I need to write

You took advantage of me, lied to me, minimized my reality in comparison to your own, disserted me and then asked be my friend. Its hard for me to even swallow this. I don't understand in which reality it makes sense to you to attempt to keep me in your life after you wreck mine. I am so at a loss for words. What more can be done but to laugh? This must be joke. I cannot imagine that if I am as mature as you say I am... That if I am more mature than you actually... I would in my right mind, after the pain that I have endored even consider giving you any space in world. I think maybe I need to digest this a little more before I can truely even begin to wrap my brain around it...before i can grasp you becoming upset with me for lack of sensitivity. WHO ARE YOU!!! you are no one and asking to become a someone again.

and counting

I've decided on the obvious that everyone doesnt receive what they desire no matter the reason. That being the case...this will be the beginning. In October I will officially and completely let go of what was never mine.

Another Perfect day

Another perfect day for missing someone that will never come
At least not today anyway
Lots of rain and clouds
no sun to be seen
a perfect day to say
I miss you
come visit me
~
I wonder if you feel today is the perfect day
the type you wish you didn't have to go out in
and could stay cuddled with covers and that one
Its another perfect day to be together
or
a perfect day to apart
don't let the gloom collapse on you
~~~

All I ever wanted
was to lay in your arms
for you to comfort and keep me warm
to hear a heart beat, confusing yours with mine
content came easy from standing by your side
feet hurting after a long day's work
rest would not come without first hearing your voice
watching, listening as you greet and do what you do best
I needed a piece of your presence
to top my day off as one of the best
Still it is today as it was but a year ago
I don't ask more than I assume you able to give
Maybe there is more error
than I calculated
'cause you took what I assumed you had to offer
and disappeared
~
Maybe you thought it too much
for little innocent me
but when you left you took my heart
doubtful you knew that you owned it
TRY and TRY as you may
my heart, once you have it
you can't give away
there is no return, no exchange for refund
when you break it you bought it
until YOU put it back together again
Lucky for you
Simple things go a long long way
and pleasing me is as easy as can be
It only requires...
your touch
your glances
your warmth wrapped around me
~
you've got a piece of many
no one will really ever know
a part that is unselfish in desiring your growth
~
All I ever wanted
maybe
was to forget I ever met you

A song or so...

I rather you here beside me

although pain and hurt I see

I rather sit up at night and watch you cry

your back to me

not getting any sleep

I rather see your face

hear your voice

and the trouble you're going through

than not have any part of you

I can help you face your fears

step away when you need to walk alone

I can help you brave this difficult path

Be a pillar when you're not strong

not always night, the sun must at some point rise

I can help

but not if you push me away

I rather have you miserable with me

than be in that place called alone

because your presence is still known and sought after

So much so I rather be lonely

with you next to me

trudging through your storm

than not see your face

not have the opportunity

to fight to watch you

face it

on your own

I rather have you here

beside me

but its evident

alone is how you desire to be

8/25

The Perfect Day for Missing Someone

Today was the Perfect Day for missing someone

Someone that would never come

For missing that person you knew missed you

But was continuously fighting that feeling

pushing it away

Like a Child that speaks to their parent

via the phone

that parent that always lets you down

by not showing up, though they promised

but the known disappointment doesn't stop them

from getting their hopes up

doesn't keep their heart from longing

Today was that day

very gloomy outside

not a day to be mad that nothing was done

or time was wasted waiting

and if there were anything to be unhappy about and sulk in

the sky would encompass you

release the sorrow packed away

just that kind of day

I had no desire to dismiss that sorrow

It reminded me...

I still wait for you

knowing there is no arrival

I wake and look for you before dawn breaks

I need not open my eyes

no longer must it be

a physical walking back and forth of the house

this narrow place

Its in my mind

The layout and the steps

the silence

the bed filled with air holding One

comfortably

I wake and my spirit seeks you

finding the day of the week

searching

not time to move

not even to reposition

but to feel the room for you

the missing

I look for you

for your presence

I hope for it, searching

Are you showering? I think its after 4

turning over to the pillow or emptiness?

curled in a ball, crying, mourning?

Do you look for me?

Your problems are much larger than me

certainly its not my caress

my lack of cuddling perfectly inside you

that keeps you awake, steals your sleep

but even in knowing this

being aware and sleeping through the night

i yearn for your smile

through tears and hurt

your kindness and gentle spirit

I search for you in my thoughts

while redefining patience

assigning patience a time and length

will I ever not wait?

There seems to me to always be the perfect parking spot

right in sight from my window

but worry not, I don't sit there waiting much

but today seemed to me to be

the perfect day

for watching, waiting, missing someone

wondering if the time will ever come

when I wait no more

the perfect day I say

to divert my attention

and leave the searching and waiting

for those early morning hours

any hour just before and after that deep REM sleep

the brackett of time I seem to be unable to escape

Still today was the perfect day

as if I had forgotten

I remembered,

despite what I might think

I wait

looking for themissing presence

you.

This perfect day will come again

Accepting

Just Friends
Just Friends...huh???
to be more will never end well
but we already are
More than friends or buds
More than casual or platonic
Come to think about it, we're anything but
Just Friends
the terminology doesn't imply enough and too much
Still, its as if I know nothing about you
nor you of me
There have been butterfly loops, knots and random heat
Since the moment you first twirled me around and kissed me
I've been referred to as a forbidden fruit
Not meant to… to be eaten or cooked
But, without realizing...your very presence tempers my inside
softens me up
The forbidden me or the forbidden you
is masked by passion
the reality is more unclear as the temperature rises
impulses are great, magnetic attraction unbearably strong
almost every aspect of this relationship is wrong
but guilt is no where to be found
I guess that is the sin in us...desiring the forbidden
growing into everything but
Just Friends

Growing into everything but Just Friends
Accepting and embracing more than
Pondering futures of ever after
neglecting to explore pasts unspoken
spinning spiraling
too fast
no brakes or deceleration
more than just friends
not even friends
too far fetched to believe in
too deep to retrieve from within
no hope for a future without intervention
walk away
WE should have walked away
but instead we remain and
any good that has come has been out done by the bad
any love that has grown is overshadowed with
a lack of content
so many words
poorly communicated or not at all
everything left between the lines
hurt, harm, sleepless nights
inability to focus
what is and has always been unavailable is worse now
than any could have imagined
I was a confidine
now I am shunned
you were just about my life
now I am alone
without the one that I wanted
from the time I admitted to myself we could
never be
Just friends just friends
not even
hard to conceive
not ending well

Be cordial...(?)

So, before I begin there are two things. First...Something I wrote awhile ago and happened to find.

Just today I woke with
great hope for tomorrow
hope for a more pleasant, peaceful day

Just today I woke with
on the waves of my brain
but to bring myself to call
Seemed impossible
Just today I woke
With a desire and urging
to fall to my knees with
praise and thanksgiving
Just today I woke
and ignored all the impulses
that awaited me

I rolled over.
Thats by me!

This is from a fellow poet in cyberland somewhere

Thy day , with sunshine and freshness surrounding beauty magnified, a smile, a glimmer, a sweet sounding name. Greatness, wonderful , majestic and new. You are beautiful, You are beautiful

And now to sour it all. This lady, the one that owns the house and lives in the house in which I pay rent to occupy a room...she said to me today, in the midst of me leaving and holding a cell phone conversation and having company: the girl is coming today. I say: she's staying here? She says: yeah, she has nowhere else to go. I say: Oh. She says: yeah I just wanted to let you know that she is coming tonight so if you see her say hi.

Say hi??? You, the person I am paying for tenancy, is telling to be cordial to the person that is replacing me...taking up my space. The person that (although you say otherwise) is the reason why the rent has been raised and (even though I told you otherwise) you thought I was leaving at the end of May. This random person that has helped to elevate my problems (because they were there before her and I am not blaming her) is going to be here living in the house just in the living room until I leave, whenever that may be and you are telling me to be cordial!!!????
Who the FUCK CARES ABOUT HER??? she is not my concern!!! (OMG!!! i'M TAKING DEEP BREATHS AND I'M NOT ANGRY) I don't have to speak to Wei, You, your Boyfriend. If I so choose, can be silent. I can be mean. I can give you a reason to put me out...
Personally, I don't think I have. I believe I ahve been more than accommadating. Of course, you probably feel the same about me.
I'm not angry, I'm aggitated. I'm frustrated. Im backed into a corner that I don't really want to be in. If I were a crier I would be in tears right now and every night and every time I feel that things are just not going my way. All this on top of me having a fucking affair (I suppose I am not the one having the affair just participating since I AM NOT MARRIED OR COMMITTED TO ANYONE BUT MYSELF!!!)
But, I'm not a crybaby. I will be ok. I will be numb, basically. I will probably shut down in the middle of it all. I probably will. Until then, I'll just be strong. What other choice do i have?

She told me to be cordial. ...

unavailable!

So of course things are beginning to look up right??? Not. Not even close. We talk more now. But, there isn't any coherency. Is that even a word. Damn it!!! My toilet whistles. It is soo annoying that it is always running and whistling. I don't know if it has always done this but it is not until recently that I have noticed.

Sorry for that tangent.
We were speaking last night and I, being myself, was sarcastic, whitty...I was me. I think I speak clearly. I don't understand what is the problem with the men of this world. Or in this area. Ugh!! I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't listen. He is too wrapped up in what he thinks and how he feels to really grasp what I am saying and/or coming from.

Is it not bad enough that I am basically dating someone that is not available??? I said that too him. I said, I understand that you are unavailable. He goes...I don't like that word. Well, too bad!! That is the fact of the matter. When you are working or with YOUR FAMILY you are unavailable. When I am working I am unavailable. I don't like that word...huh!

Well, all this is to say that I am reexamining what it is that I fell in love with. I think part of it is the unavailability. You make yourself available to me and I don't really want you so much. I see that you aren't as attractive as i thought. ...I think that has a great part in it.

List of Issues...

Here is my list of issues I have with this relationship.

1. I was drunk. You knew then, and now looking back you know, that I was drunk but you... I was drunk.
2. I will always be second. I don't expect or desire you to leave her. We discussed a while ago how it isn't right or fair in our opinion for a man or a woman to have to share their mate. So what do you call this?
3. We were anything but 'just friends' before, now we are in a relationship that is evolving to an unknown state.
4. I don't regret my actions. But I'm not happy with it. I'm not happy with the situation and I will forever look at you differently.
it is as if as soon as you (we) mutter a word we turn behave contrary to the very words that were spoken. Stop saying never!
5. My biggest problem of them all is, I think I LOVE YOU. You're not available and I don't think I want you to be anything more than you are. Which may soon be a memory.

And then...

Well, after all the confusion of friday night comes the "drama" of saturday night...mind you these nights are actually mornings. So, friday night was really Saturday morning and Saturday night was really Sunday morning. Great experience. Just great! Drunken drama turned into more... too much more. It makes me rethink my drinking. Or, Maybe I should rethink my "friends".

Intoxicated

I'm having a bit of difficulty dealing with the experience that I have just had. I don't seem to know how to process it as a good or bad thing. And, while I suppose I have received what I wanted ( to an extent) I am not happy about what has taken place altogether.
I keep thinking, if that where Tyrell I would have been brought home, put into the bed and that would have been all she wrote. Instead I have sex with you. Bad sex at that. I suppose it wasn't that horrible it just wasn't what I expected. I mean, I was intoxicated. I was so far from being sober that it doesn't make any sense.
That really changes, to an extent, what I think about you. I'm wondering if you realized that I wasn't completely there. I'm wondering how you will react if and when I tell you that I would have objected if I were sober. I would have objected if I were sober. I would not have allowed things to go as far as they did. I might have been more verbal.
Its funny how just hours before you are professing that you would never do this or do that and then...the opportunity arises and you take it. Must I always be the bigger person??? There is so much at stake for you. Nothing for me but my heart, my well being, nothing much at all that I can't handle. But you, there is your family. Your family and me. Have you thought how you might loose me now? I have a tendency to pull away. I don't like to talk about sex when it comes to awkward situations like this...I have a tendency to shut down but I am going to try not to do that. I'm going to try to communicate with you. I can give good counsel on how important communication is. Communication is sooo important.
Regardless of what you may tell yourself or me...we are so far past Just Friends. Its going to be a long time coming to just friends and cool. I mean really. I haven't met the rest of your life...I only know a portion of you. A small portion.
I only know a small portion of you but we are more than Just Friends. This I've done to myself and now I have to deal with it. I have to deal with the decisions that I've made and I don't know if I want to. I'm not satisfied and it dawned on me as I was walking around today that I'm a little tender. I'm not comfortable raising the number of persons I've actually had vaginal sex with. To think that you are privileged enough to be the second person to penetrate me ---the second person and YOU are NOT my boyfriend or my husband. Your nothing but more than a friend. I don't like it. I don't like to think that this could be described as a "shit Happens" event. I don't allow this Shit to Happen to me. I was intoxicated! but I wasn't raped. I wasn't forced. I wanted to be there and I wanted you as much as you could not go any longer without me. Yet, it was all wrong. Instant gratification in my book will now be labeled as Wrong. Not that it wasn't before. But now, I have a reason to say...It was all wrong. I don't know how I will look at you.

Just Friends

Just Friends...huh???
to be more will never end well
but we already are
More than friends or buds
More than casual or platonic
Come to think about it,
we're anything but Just Friends
the terminology doesn't imply enough and too much
Still, its as if I know nothing about you
nor you of me
There have been butterfly loops, knots and random heat
Since the moment you first twirled me around and kissed me
I've been referred to as a forbidden fruit
Not meant to… to be eaten or cooked
But, without realizing...your very presence tempers my inside
softens me up
The forbidden me or the forbidden you
is masked by passion
the reality is more unclear as the temperature rises
impulses are great, magnetic attraction unbearably strong
almost every aspect of this relationship is wrong
but guilt is no where to be found
I guess that is the sin in us...desiring the forbidden
growing into everything but
Just Friends



So I totally just spent $8 to get into a bar. What the hell is that??
How great that now I can drink my sorrows/frustrations away
Who knew?
I thought I handled stress well...Guess not!
In an empy stomach I put red and white wine
then waited a few hours as I continue my jouney home
a stop is made

Checking for Amy

She makes great drinks for me
add rasberry margarita
baileys and blueberry vodka to the injury
with no food or real attempt to supplement

my journey home continues
and
the discovery or realization made is
I have a drinking problem
I drink because I can and
I rather wallow over my drinking then deal with me

I don't feel abused...I wanted the experience I now have to add to my archive
but I know that,
had Tyrell taken me home
I would have made it there

My journey home continues

I wade the waves of movement
my head and the vehicle
the key is to be as still as possible
until the room stops moving
eventually the room will stop moving

Its gonna take a long time to love
a lot to hold on
a long long way to happy.
i made it home...

I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really wanna mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
'Cause you know it's over, before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It's just you and your hand tonight

Midnight I'm drunk, I don't give a ***k
Wanna dance by myself guess you're out of luck
Don't touch, back up, I'm not the one
Buh-bye
Listen up it's just not happenin'
You can say what you want to your boyfriends
Just let me have my fun tonight..aiight

You're in the corner with your boys, you bet them five bucks
You'd get the girl that just walked in, but she thinks you suck
We didn't get all dressed up just for you to see
So quit spilling your drinks on me

You know who you are High'fivi, talking ****
But you are going home alone Aren't ya?

I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really wanna mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second I was fine before you walked into my life
'Cause you know it's over, before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It's just you and your hand tonight

Pink hits home...

One night to you, lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now, just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocense, say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you, years ago, I guess I'll never know
What love means to me, but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling
Chorus:
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy (yeah)
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
'Cause it's gonna be a
long long way to happy

Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy (happy)

Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self
Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self
You're angry, I know this
The world couldn't care less
You're lonely, I feel this And you wish you were the best
No teachers, or guidance
And you always walk alone
You're cryin, a night when
Nobody else is home
Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darlin
I promise you that it wont always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You're the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken 13 year old me
You're laughin, but you're hidin God I know that trick too well
You forget that I've been you
And now I'm just the shelf I promise I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don't try to grow up yet
Oh just give it sometime
The pain you feel is real
You're not asleep
But its a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Don't lose your passion or
The fighter thats inside of you
You're the girl I used to be
The pissed off, complicated 13 year old me
Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self
Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self
Until we meet again, Oh I wish you well I wish you well
Until we meet again Oh I wish you well
Until we meet again I wish you well
Until we meet again
My little 13 year old me

Go away, give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye, It'll make me wanna kiss you
I love you so, much more when you're not here
Watchin' all the bad shows and drinkin' all of my beer

I don't believe Adam and Eve spent every goddamn day together
If you gimme some room there will be room enough for two
Chorus:
Tonight, leave me alone, I'm lonely (alone I'm lonely)
I'm tired, leave me alone I'm lonely, alone I'm lonely tonight!
I don't wanna wake up with another
But I don't wanna always wake up with you either
No you can't hop into my shower
All I ask for is one ***king hour
You taste so sweet but I can't eat the same thing every day
Cuttin off the phone, leave me the ***k alone, and
tomorrow I'll be begging you to come home
Chorus
Go away, come back...go away, come back
Why can't I just have it both ways
Go away, come back...go away, come back
I wish you knew the difference
Go away come back.... Go away,
give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye, it'll make me wanna kiss you
Go away, give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye, it'll make me want to kiss you
Go away, give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye, it'll make me want to kiss you

Too Young

Too Young

Apparently my youth does not allow me to loose a love
Or even to lack
I dare not have experienced hardships that weigh me down
Certainly not!
Far too young am I
Isn’t that what you said?
You see it in my eyes-
My innocence is telling
Many secrets I never knew-o no!
But my eyes and my face, the language my body speaks
I thought it a retreat
But to my dismay
Different things it speaks
Too young, naïve
Apparently that’s me
No detrimental codependence acquired here
For I haven’t had time
Or lived a life enough
Said some
I’m just too young

My age is a lie
Says my little voice inside
That comes from my mouth
I’ve barely passed puberty
So you should not even look my way except to scold me
For acting soo grown
Where are you going? And why are you dressed like that?
Isn’t it passed time for you to be in bed?
I smile as usual and am accused of being a flirt
And for all it’s worth
This little girl whom is actually old
Can’t seem to discovery the route out of your head
And it bothers me-there is no flattery
When you think I’m eight but would love to take me on a date
To get me alone for a while cause I walk with such style
You just can’t stop thinking about me
Problem is my sister is thirteen
And now she has breasts
Both she and I will be put to the test
Faced with men loving our smile and first captured by our youth
What is she suppose to do
Born with a dimple accenting the left side of her face
Too many times will she be chased
By the men opposite your persuasion that I am too young
And it is them that will cause her to fall
From their sweet talk of her beauty
Pedophiles tainting her self esteem
Causing her to believe she is merely a sexual being
Innocence stolen too soon
Her youth will also shine through
Just as I am a picture so precious and young
So she will be
Bearing the load of life, love, loss and hardship
So before you pass judgment on me
Stop to think of the possibility
That maybe I am not what I seem
Ask questions rather than assuming
Thank God for His many blessings
Such as me, my sister and the many young ladies
That appear to be too young for their reality
And I will work on appropriately representing the many years
God has blessed me to see
Thank you for complimenting my youth
Now it is time for me to leave.
And O, I am too young…for you!
TJ~2004

Danger

Can you see the danger in my eyes...among other thing.

I Would Like

I would like for you to massage my feet
they really hurt today and work the kinks out of my back
I think the pains are related

I would like to sit in your arms
no need for words
and soak up your body heat as mine runs to you

I would like
just a few things
for a little while
a moment in time
a piece of you
that you are unable to give and
I dispute with myself whether i will receive.

I tend to remain silent but I'm certain you can hear the words I don't speak afterall,
I'm here,
an action without a word
that speaks volumes
My youth
in conjunction with my silence seems to fool you
into believing that I am naive
to truths
but my youth has only slightly impaired me.
It doesn't change my clear vision
I see that I am second
Second seems to be a familar place
I take a back seat
as such I am reassured that my guard is
where it belongs
as long as I am in the back
as long as I am at a distance
not where I desire to be
my guard will remain

You Know-if you truly are able read me as well as you say
you know how I feel
I don't have to say a word
I'm here
And we know,
that how I feel (how I think I feel)
doesn't change reality.

Me...TLJ

Dangerous eyes

Those eyes are dangerous.
peering into me
peering into you
speaking words left unspoken
conveying feelings locked away
Those eyes are dangerous.
They look at me in a tone of voice more distinct
than any naked ear can hear
They share the emotions
hidden deep in the depth of a heart
away from surface distractions and logical direction
those eyes...
Their mine
I close them to keep them from you
I look down to avoid the gaze
a gaze given and received it sends shivers through my spine and
causes my stomach to knott
the butterflies collide in attempts to escape
but I feel the gaze
though my eyes are shut
rather than reciprocate what isn't being said i shy away I shy away
from those dangerous eyes
Looking into them, they are mine
my dangerous eyes

I shall begin with...

This is old but forever true to my heart and who I am. Forever true to my relationships.

I can’t-allow myself to latch on to you
Although I-saw from afar and I knew before and my-
Belly keeps butterflies at the thought of you and
There is liquid excreted when I think of you
Touching me
And it can be public or privately
My inner-self reacts the same.

So anxious in my mind to move on to the
To the…to the…to move forward and have progress…
I gave back a little more and
Squirmed a little more…
Sounds came from me
And that was intimate interaction

Often I think of kissing you-making out
With you
But
What a difference face to face makes
I cannot initiate
I want you to want me and kiss me
Even though I don’t like to kiss…
You’re different
I can not give you what I’ve given you
More is given to you
Ready
Again-
To learn through you…
Things that if we aren’t
For always
It was fun, there were happy days
No problems looking you in the face

I can’t allow myself the dependency it seeks
Oh male who has captured my emotional eruption waiting to erupt
You can not enter me but apparently
Mind and body did not agree
Because you have been told to proceed and
Have made strides tho there are strides left
I’m ready to sweat.

I should play it cool, take it slow
This “we” thing is not
Defined, has not been labeled
Or enclosed
On the other had how significant is the Verbal-
Expression that is
I mean, actions speak louder than words and
Your actions are
“I care”
But,
My paranoia will not retreat
I can’t allow you to enter me
Or to give me the dependency I seek
Or latch on to you-simply kiss your luscious lips but
I want to
And what would it change
If you knew?

Your patience and wisdom fill me and cause me to mourn because
Oh how I desire you, to have all of you and
Be good in girlfriend mode-
Sig-ni-fi-cant other
Mode,
Not just other
Or fling and
I can’t see what I see when we are separate
Because it looks different when we are up close or at a distance but together
You say I’m not ready, exert control
Learn your body and comfort zones
But
There is only so much I can learn alone-
My experience has built a shield
It keeps strong emotions out
Fear and caution in
I’m already broken
No longer seeking repair but
Understanding, contentment
Love and care

The knowledge I have enables me to know
That laying down with you
Will bring minute growth
The package is greater than a
Loss of this
Gain of that
I must connect the dots
And color the grey areas
Take criticism constructively
Look hard at what I don’t want to see
Such as
What will sex change and why do I feel the way I do-
Really, why did I pick you?
Lack of communication places us in different mind frames
My emotions a glass cage on the verge of breaking
My heart is shutting down, moving out-

Sharp as a razor
Your words cut me
I can’t dismiss them or forget what they imply
Inside I cry
For the pain, the injury you cause
No quick response presents itself
No witty comeback, I’ve been outdone
But, I can’t let go
Walk away or object
This growth hurts
It feels as if what has gone around is coming back
I’m reaping what I’ve sown
And how to break the cycle
Remains unknown.