I keep looking with hope there is a message from you
I must not be busy enough
When I sit still I stop and think of you
It's gotta be two times an hour I'm checking
And why?
Why am I head over heels
Why am I so anxious
Why do I want what can't be had and push away the available
You said its not written on my face, I'm glad
There is so much, so much that would be read if it were written

I can't wait to sit near you without the confines of work limiting
I dunno if I can handle it, this the secret
I can't sit still waiting

I am excessively infatuated with you. It's unhealthy.



7/6/12 fucking awesome.  The last time I vomited (because of too much alcohol or at all)  was in 2005. Fuck fuck fuck. I remember the night. I don't feel like this is a good thing.  I remember going to the bathroom. Using the bathroom then things starting to spin a bit. 
I remember someone knocking on the door, I did find my way to unlock it. Then I remember sitting on the floor and wine and maybe popcorn coming up. 


First was Sue, then Tyrell, then Briana. 
Damn it, being drunk out of home is just no fun. 


There was a lot of advice from Sue. I'm very confused about what is known and what she and Briana talk about vs what she just sees from my behavior. 
*sigh*
first call out in 2 years. I'm tempting to go in. But, I'm still pretty drunk. 
Tyrell is still snoring on my floor. 

Not Interested

Not interested

I should learn to lie
Or temper my smile
Smile and keep walking
Put my head phones in

Oh that would be easiest, put the headphones in
I have to remember to put the headphones in

I'm just saying: what exactly do you know about me
from my walk
From the fact that I stopped?

Telling me I could be
 the one
when my favorite color is a mystery
and you Just barely know my name
Not a drop of history
or an informational  pamphlet "about me"
To clue you in

Not that history
is the beginning and the end
but it tells a story
important to the future
Important to the me you Think you see,
the me you'd like to be
 "the one"

This pick up line is nothing but fun
A game of dice that you roll
In search of...
What Are you looking for??
I'm pretty sure it's not me

Thank you kindly

For asking my name,
complimenting my smile,
 admiring my walk
Don't be angry cause I'm not ...

Interested

Not interested in anything you offer
Could grow to possess Or
Want to learn so that I may be the end of your quest

And all of this you might come to know
if you took a different approach
and learned a little of the history behind the story of me
Instead of reinforcing that
         I should really learn to lie
Make up a default name
Go back to keeping my headphones in
And practice the art of "keep it moving"

I'm flattered but really,
Not interested


TLJ 3/2012

Don't Tell Anyone

Don't tell anyone
There are dragonflies
Bouncing in my center
My heart jumps quicker and they spin without rhythm
So exciting
Anticipation, possibility...

Don't tell anyone
If its written on my face what I'm thinking
The scenes my imagination creates are like caffeine
Daring my heart to stop
It won't
So the dragonflies increase their speed trying to escape
 I have to calm them
I... Have to...     attempt to
Focus
On a reality. But it's so hard.
I think I've fabricated the attraction
I've over analyzed the paths
  I

Don't tell anybody
Cause I'm not sure what it is
Or what it isn't
only what
my Limitations dictate my are options
But the options are far more than I can really conceive
I could try to Assign words
But
That would make it all seem so simple
It's not

So the less people asking
The less blushing I will be unsuccessful at hiding
While I figure out the source
Find the spark that ignited the flame
Define the actions, reassess my open mind
Clarify that
I want what isn't mine
Don't tell anyone
Let's keep it a secret



TJ 6/2012

Tactful honesty

I don’t think I’ve learned an adequate technique of

Tactful honesty

a difficult and dangerous thing. When the volumes of silence provide incomplete information it becomes necessary to fill the void. 

Carefully,

I bid the speaker that no more is given than required, tactful and honest.

I don’t think I’ve fully learned the art or mastered a technique

So eager to over elaborate

Expand and quantify

Seeking approval from many the unqualified

Opinions are taken as facts

Grateful for the listening ear, civil integrity is lost. Unfortunately many do not seek and have no concern for the two as one. Rather, separate, one is sufficient; barely required. Modestly employed

But I

I am tired of being walked on and around

Tired of speaking to open ears that hear but are not listening

Tired of being delicate with the dishonest

So our silences feign understanding and create false explanations but fail to communicate

 And veracity is rarely given nor is it prudent  

Truth is a façade elegantly performing for the crowd.

No longer will the entourage count me as one

So eager to elaborate

Seeking approval

Receiving faulty opinions

I give it to the birds, release in the wind

Study tactful honesty

Apply to self

Remain silent and otherwise candid

TLJ 6/2012

miscellaneous

Can I be a miscellaneous 

in and out 

up and down

pleasurable

just for now, we're cool, I thoroughly enjoy hanging with you

miscellaneous

no commitment or big talks to get through

just hang, chill, do what we do

living 

today 

with you, tomorrow with who?

Can i be a miscellaneous

be not mistaken 

the question is not up in the air 

or open to discussion just

looming on my waves 

tempting- me

to accept the proposition 

of possibility 

to be rated as I choose

give receive or loose

confusion 

categorized in the folder marked appropriately

miscellaneous

the bright is light appealing at a distance 

what is this, what could it be 

miscellaneously 

more or less worthy

according to me 

I proceed, relay, ok 

not for others to say

only I may classify me 

miscellaneous

if I choose to be.  

about change

Last I wrote it was change

how change isn't easy

change hurts

but if the old behaviors remain

has change occurred

if old behaviors remain

progress is almost nonexistent

still its not a simple task 

to alter and revamp those things set in stone

water takes lifetimes to smooth a rock

patience

water has much patience and persistence

the very attributes needed when handling shaping molding

submitting to change

the alteration of self is a necessity 

Patients

These people!  I got the shift I wanted for all time.  I think...?  I now work thursday- days, friday and saturday 7pm to 7am.  Tonight particularly these patients do not seem to want to sleep.  Sleep man.  Sleep and let me do my thing... 

As if tomorrow morning will not be shock enough.. This will be the first weekend I've worked where Jill did not come in in the morning because she is off.  I don't know how my system will react to not seeing her at 6am.  She brightens up my day.  I guess next weekend.  Anyway, I've successfully written this blog without a patient ringing for my assistance.  Damn ! I jinxed it. Gotta go. 

9.19.08-in progress

Life changing, rearranging 

barely speaking

without grievances but important

I suppose

Talk   talk speak read write communicate life

changes

world's shift

priorities grow shrink come to a stand still 

its change its 

atoms light colliding forming reforming becoming new from the old

starting afresh

banking on what's left

next

putting the pieces back together reconnect 

pick up the craps of the old being 

i'm needing to embrace 

change

Up and down

what does it mean when everything is up and down???
Up and down
Up down...
go to church today, frown at the building tomorrow
so up and down
such a great example of what this breed of a christian looks like
walk this way, dress this way, speak that way
such a great example of what a diligent student
or employee looks like
the knowledge rolls and compounds
the smiles are always around charming the wits off many of you
while inside everything is up and down
up and down, up down
you'd never know the struggle deep
in the beating heart waiting for a moment to stop
awaiting an opportunity to change its post, switch positions
waiting to not be up and down
not in and out of God
not high low on life
not realistic about reality
but impatiently waiting for the opportunity to escape
and in the mean time
up down