I shall begin with...

This is old but forever true to my heart and who I am. Forever true to my relationships.

I can’t-allow myself to latch on to you
Although I-saw from afar and I knew before and my-
Belly keeps butterflies at the thought of you and
There is liquid excreted when I think of you
Touching me
And it can be public or privately
My inner-self reacts the same.

So anxious in my mind to move on to the
To the…to the…to move forward and have progress…
I gave back a little more and
Squirmed a little more…
Sounds came from me
And that was intimate interaction

Often I think of kissing you-making out
With you
But
What a difference face to face makes
I cannot initiate
I want you to want me and kiss me
Even though I don’t like to kiss…
You’re different
I can not give you what I’ve given you
More is given to you
Ready
Again-
To learn through you…
Things that if we aren’t
For always
It was fun, there were happy days
No problems looking you in the face

I can’t allow myself the dependency it seeks
Oh male who has captured my emotional eruption waiting to erupt
You can not enter me but apparently
Mind and body did not agree
Because you have been told to proceed and
Have made strides tho there are strides left
I’m ready to sweat.

I should play it cool, take it slow
This “we” thing is not
Defined, has not been labeled
Or enclosed
On the other had how significant is the Verbal-
Expression that is
I mean, actions speak louder than words and
Your actions are
“I care”
But,
My paranoia will not retreat
I can’t allow you to enter me
Or to give me the dependency I seek
Or latch on to you-simply kiss your luscious lips but
I want to
And what would it change
If you knew?

Your patience and wisdom fill me and cause me to mourn because
Oh how I desire you, to have all of you and
Be good in girlfriend mode-
Sig-ni-fi-cant other
Mode,
Not just other
Or fling and
I can’t see what I see when we are separate
Because it looks different when we are up close or at a distance but together
You say I’m not ready, exert control
Learn your body and comfort zones
But
There is only so much I can learn alone-
My experience has built a shield
It keeps strong emotions out
Fear and caution in
I’m already broken
No longer seeking repair but
Understanding, contentment
Love and care

The knowledge I have enables me to know
That laying down with you
Will bring minute growth
The package is greater than a
Loss of this
Gain of that
I must connect the dots
And color the grey areas
Take criticism constructively
Look hard at what I don’t want to see
Such as
What will sex change and why do I feel the way I do-
Really, why did I pick you?
Lack of communication places us in different mind frames
My emotions a glass cage on the verge of breaking
My heart is shutting down, moving out-

Sharp as a razor
Your words cut me
I can’t dismiss them or forget what they imply
Inside I cry
For the pain, the injury you cause
No quick response presents itself
No witty comeback, I’ve been outdone
But, I can’t let go
Walk away or object
This growth hurts
It feels as if what has gone around is coming back
I’m reaping what I’ve sown
And how to break the cycle
Remains unknown.