and counting

I've decided on the obvious that everyone doesnt receive what they desire no matter the reason. That being the case...this will be the beginning. In October I will officially and completely let go of what was never mine.

Another Perfect day

Another perfect day for missing someone that will never come
At least not today anyway
Lots of rain and clouds
no sun to be seen
a perfect day to say
I miss you
come visit me
~
I wonder if you feel today is the perfect day
the type you wish you didn't have to go out in
and could stay cuddled with covers and that one
Its another perfect day to be together
or
a perfect day to apart
don't let the gloom collapse on you
~~~

All I ever wanted
was to lay in your arms
for you to comfort and keep me warm
to hear a heart beat, confusing yours with mine
content came easy from standing by your side
feet hurting after a long day's work
rest would not come without first hearing your voice
watching, listening as you greet and do what you do best
I needed a piece of your presence
to top my day off as one of the best
Still it is today as it was but a year ago
I don't ask more than I assume you able to give
Maybe there is more error
than I calculated
'cause you took what I assumed you had to offer
and disappeared
~
Maybe you thought it too much
for little innocent me
but when you left you took my heart
doubtful you knew that you owned it
TRY and TRY as you may
my heart, once you have it
you can't give away
there is no return, no exchange for refund
when you break it you bought it
until YOU put it back together again
Lucky for you
Simple things go a long long way
and pleasing me is as easy as can be
It only requires...
your touch
your glances
your warmth wrapped around me
~
you've got a piece of many
no one will really ever know
a part that is unselfish in desiring your growth
~
All I ever wanted
maybe
was to forget I ever met you

A song or so...

I rather you here beside me

although pain and hurt I see

I rather sit up at night and watch you cry

your back to me

not getting any sleep

I rather see your face

hear your voice

and the trouble you're going through

than not have any part of you

I can help you face your fears

step away when you need to walk alone

I can help you brave this difficult path

Be a pillar when you're not strong

not always night, the sun must at some point rise

I can help

but not if you push me away

I rather have you miserable with me

than be in that place called alone

because your presence is still known and sought after

So much so I rather be lonely

with you next to me

trudging through your storm

than not see your face

not have the opportunity

to fight to watch you

face it

on your own

I rather have you here

beside me

but its evident

alone is how you desire to be

8/25

The Perfect Day for Missing Someone

Today was the Perfect Day for missing someone

Someone that would never come

For missing that person you knew missed you

But was continuously fighting that feeling

pushing it away

Like a Child that speaks to their parent

via the phone

that parent that always lets you down

by not showing up, though they promised

but the known disappointment doesn't stop them

from getting their hopes up

doesn't keep their heart from longing

Today was that day

very gloomy outside

not a day to be mad that nothing was done

or time was wasted waiting

and if there were anything to be unhappy about and sulk in

the sky would encompass you

release the sorrow packed away

just that kind of day

I had no desire to dismiss that sorrow

It reminded me...

I still wait for you

knowing there is no arrival

I wake and look for you before dawn breaks

I need not open my eyes

no longer must it be

a physical walking back and forth of the house

this narrow place

Its in my mind

The layout and the steps

the silence

the bed filled with air holding One

comfortably

I wake and my spirit seeks you

finding the day of the week

searching

not time to move

not even to reposition

but to feel the room for you

the missing

I look for you

for your presence

I hope for it, searching

Are you showering? I think its after 4

turning over to the pillow or emptiness?

curled in a ball, crying, mourning?

Do you look for me?

Your problems are much larger than me

certainly its not my caress

my lack of cuddling perfectly inside you

that keeps you awake, steals your sleep

but even in knowing this

being aware and sleeping through the night

i yearn for your smile

through tears and hurt

your kindness and gentle spirit

I search for you in my thoughts

while redefining patience

assigning patience a time and length

will I ever not wait?

There seems to me to always be the perfect parking spot

right in sight from my window

but worry not, I don't sit there waiting much

but today seemed to me to be

the perfect day

for watching, waiting, missing someone

wondering if the time will ever come

when I wait no more

the perfect day I say

to divert my attention

and leave the searching and waiting

for those early morning hours

any hour just before and after that deep REM sleep

the brackett of time I seem to be unable to escape

Still today was the perfect day

as if I had forgotten

I remembered,

despite what I might think

I wait

looking for themissing presence

you.

This perfect day will come again

Accepting

Just Friends
Just Friends...huh???
to be more will never end well
but we already are
More than friends or buds
More than casual or platonic
Come to think about it, we're anything but
Just Friends
the terminology doesn't imply enough and too much
Still, its as if I know nothing about you
nor you of me
There have been butterfly loops, knots and random heat
Since the moment you first twirled me around and kissed me
I've been referred to as a forbidden fruit
Not meant to… to be eaten or cooked
But, without realizing...your very presence tempers my inside
softens me up
The forbidden me or the forbidden you
is masked by passion
the reality is more unclear as the temperature rises
impulses are great, magnetic attraction unbearably strong
almost every aspect of this relationship is wrong
but guilt is no where to be found
I guess that is the sin in us...desiring the forbidden
growing into everything but
Just Friends

Growing into everything but Just Friends
Accepting and embracing more than
Pondering futures of ever after
neglecting to explore pasts unspoken
spinning spiraling
too fast
no brakes or deceleration
more than just friends
not even friends
too far fetched to believe in
too deep to retrieve from within
no hope for a future without intervention
walk away
WE should have walked away
but instead we remain and
any good that has come has been out done by the bad
any love that has grown is overshadowed with
a lack of content
so many words
poorly communicated or not at all
everything left between the lines
hurt, harm, sleepless nights
inability to focus
what is and has always been unavailable is worse now
than any could have imagined
I was a confidine
now I am shunned
you were just about my life
now I am alone
without the one that I wanted
from the time I admitted to myself we could
never be
Just friends just friends
not even
hard to conceive
not ending well