So, before I begin there are two things. First...Something I wrote awhile ago and happened to find.
Just today I woke with
great hope for tomorrow
hope for a more pleasant, peaceful day
Just today I woke with
on the waves of my brain
but to bring myself to call
Seemed impossible
Just today I woke
With a desire and urging
to fall to my knees with
praise and thanksgiving
Just today I woke
and ignored all the impulses
that awaited me
I rolled over.
Thats by me!
This is from a fellow poet in cyberland somewhere
Thy day , with sunshine and freshness surrounding beauty magnified, a smile, a glimmer, a sweet sounding name. Greatness, wonderful , majestic and new. You are beautiful, You are beautiful
And now to sour it all. This lady, the one that owns the house and lives in the house in which I pay rent to occupy a room...she said to me today, in the midst of me leaving and holding a cell phone conversation and having company: the girl is coming today. I say: she's staying here? She says: yeah, she has nowhere else to go. I say: Oh. She says: yeah I just wanted to let you know that she is coming tonight so if you see her say hi.
Say hi??? You, the person I am paying for tenancy, is telling to be cordial to the person that is replacing me...taking up my space. The person that (although you say otherwise) is the reason why the rent has been raised and (even though I told you otherwise) you thought I was leaving at the end of May. This random person that has helped to elevate my problems (because they were there before her and I am not blaming her) is going to be here living in the house just in the living room until I leave, whenever that may be and you are telling me to be cordial!!!????
Who the FUCK CARES ABOUT HER??? she is not my concern!!! (OMG!!! i'M TAKING DEEP BREATHS AND I'M NOT ANGRY) I don't have to speak to Wei, You, your Boyfriend. If I so choose, can be silent. I can be mean. I can give you a reason to put me out...
Personally, I don't think I have. I believe I ahve been more than accommadating. Of course, you probably feel the same about me.
I'm not angry, I'm aggitated. I'm frustrated. Im backed into a corner that I don't really want to be in. If I were a crier I would be in tears right now and every night and every time I feel that things are just not going my way. All this on top of me having a fucking affair (I suppose I am not the one having the affair just participating since I AM NOT MARRIED OR COMMITTED TO ANYONE BUT MYSELF!!!)
But, I'm not a crybaby. I will be ok. I will be numb, basically. I will probably shut down in the middle of it all. I probably will. Until then, I'll just be strong. What other choice do i have?
She told me to be cordial. ...
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Saturday, May 20, 2006
unavailable!
So of course things are beginning to look up right??? Not. Not even close. We talk more now. But, there isn't any coherency. Is that even a word. Damn it!!! My toilet whistles. It is soo annoying that it is always running and whistling. I don't know if it has always done this but it is not until recently that I have noticed.
Sorry for that tangent.
We were speaking last night and I, being myself, was sarcastic, whitty...I was me. I think I speak clearly. I don't understand what is the problem with the men of this world. Or in this area. Ugh!! I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't listen. He is too wrapped up in what he thinks and how he feels to really grasp what I am saying and/or coming from.
Is it not bad enough that I am basically dating someone that is not available??? I said that too him. I said, I understand that you are unavailable. He goes...I don't like that word. Well, too bad!! That is the fact of the matter. When you are working or with YOUR FAMILY you are unavailable. When I am working I am unavailable. I don't like that word...huh!
Well, all this is to say that I am reexamining what it is that I fell in love with. I think part of it is the unavailability. You make yourself available to me and I don't really want you so much. I see that you aren't as attractive as i thought. ...I think that has a great part in it.
Sorry for that tangent.
We were speaking last night and I, being myself, was sarcastic, whitty...I was me. I think I speak clearly. I don't understand what is the problem with the men of this world. Or in this area. Ugh!! I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't listen. He is too wrapped up in what he thinks and how he feels to really grasp what I am saying and/or coming from.
Is it not bad enough that I am basically dating someone that is not available??? I said that too him. I said, I understand that you are unavailable. He goes...I don't like that word. Well, too bad!! That is the fact of the matter. When you are working or with YOUR FAMILY you are unavailable. When I am working I am unavailable. I don't like that word...huh!
Well, all this is to say that I am reexamining what it is that I fell in love with. I think part of it is the unavailability. You make yourself available to me and I don't really want you so much. I see that you aren't as attractive as i thought. ...I think that has a great part in it.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
List of Issues...
Here is my list of issues I have with this relationship.
1. I was drunk. You knew then, and now looking back you know, that I was drunk but you... I was drunk.
2. I will always be second. I don't expect or desire you to leave her. We discussed a while ago how it isn't right or fair in our opinion for a man or a woman to have to share their mate. So what do you call this?
3. We were anything but 'just friends' before, now we are in a relationship that is evolving to an unknown state.
4. I don't regret my actions. But I'm not happy with it. I'm not happy with the situation and I will forever look at you differently.
it is as if as soon as you (we) mutter a word we turn behave contrary to the very words that were spoken. Stop saying never!
5. My biggest problem of them all is, I think I LOVE YOU. You're not available and I don't think I want you to be anything more than you are. Which may soon be a memory.
1. I was drunk. You knew then, and now looking back you know, that I was drunk but you... I was drunk.
2. I will always be second. I don't expect or desire you to leave her. We discussed a while ago how it isn't right or fair in our opinion for a man or a woman to have to share their mate. So what do you call this?
3. We were anything but 'just friends' before, now we are in a relationship that is evolving to an unknown state.
4. I don't regret my actions. But I'm not happy with it. I'm not happy with the situation and I will forever look at you differently.
it is as if as soon as you (we) mutter a word we turn behave contrary to the very words that were spoken. Stop saying never!
5. My biggest problem of them all is, I think I LOVE YOU. You're not available and I don't think I want you to be anything more than you are. Which may soon be a memory.
Monday, May 15, 2006
And then...
Well, after all the confusion of friday night comes the "drama" of saturday night...mind you these nights are actually mornings. So, friday night was really Saturday morning and Saturday night was really Sunday morning. Great experience. Just great! Drunken drama turned into more... too much more. It makes me rethink my drinking. Or, Maybe I should rethink my "friends".
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Intoxicated
I'm having a bit of difficulty dealing with the experience that I have just had. I don't seem to know how to process it as a good or bad thing. And, while I suppose I have received what I wanted ( to an extent) I am not happy about what has taken place altogether.
I keep thinking, if that where Tyrell I would have been brought home, put into the bed and that would have been all she wrote. Instead I have sex with you. Bad sex at that. I suppose it wasn't that horrible it just wasn't what I expected. I mean, I was intoxicated. I was so far from being sober that it doesn't make any sense.
That really changes, to an extent, what I think about you. I'm wondering if you realized that I wasn't completely there. I'm wondering how you will react if and when I tell you that I would have objected if I were sober. I would have objected if I were sober. I would not have allowed things to go as far as they did. I might have been more verbal.
Its funny how just hours before you are professing that you would never do this or do that and then...the opportunity arises and you take it. Must I always be the bigger person??? There is so much at stake for you. Nothing for me but my heart, my well being, nothing much at all that I can't handle. But you, there is your family. Your family and me. Have you thought how you might loose me now? I have a tendency to pull away. I don't like to talk about sex when it comes to awkward situations like this...I have a tendency to shut down but I am going to try not to do that. I'm going to try to communicate with you. I can give good counsel on how important communication is. Communication is sooo important.
Regardless of what you may tell yourself or me...we are so far past Just Friends. Its going to be a long time coming to just friends and cool. I mean really. I haven't met the rest of your life...I only know a portion of you. A small portion.
I only know a small portion of you but we are more than Just Friends. This I've done to myself and now I have to deal with it. I have to deal with the decisions that I've made and I don't know if I want to. I'm not satisfied and it dawned on me as I was walking around today that I'm a little tender. I'm not comfortable raising the number of persons I've actually had vaginal sex with. To think that you are privileged enough to be the second person to penetrate me ---the second person and YOU are NOT my boyfriend or my husband. Your nothing but more than a friend. I don't like it. I don't like to think that this could be described as a "shit Happens" event. I don't allow this Shit to Happen to me. I was intoxicated! but I wasn't raped. I wasn't forced. I wanted to be there and I wanted you as much as you could not go any longer without me. Yet, it was all wrong. Instant gratification in my book will now be labeled as Wrong. Not that it wasn't before. But now, I have a reason to say...It was all wrong. I don't know how I will look at you.
I keep thinking, if that where Tyrell I would have been brought home, put into the bed and that would have been all she wrote. Instead I have sex with you. Bad sex at that. I suppose it wasn't that horrible it just wasn't what I expected. I mean, I was intoxicated. I was so far from being sober that it doesn't make any sense.
That really changes, to an extent, what I think about you. I'm wondering if you realized that I wasn't completely there. I'm wondering how you will react if and when I tell you that I would have objected if I were sober. I would have objected if I were sober. I would not have allowed things to go as far as they did. I might have been more verbal.
Its funny how just hours before you are professing that you would never do this or do that and then...the opportunity arises and you take it. Must I always be the bigger person??? There is so much at stake for you. Nothing for me but my heart, my well being, nothing much at all that I can't handle. But you, there is your family. Your family and me. Have you thought how you might loose me now? I have a tendency to pull away. I don't like to talk about sex when it comes to awkward situations like this...I have a tendency to shut down but I am going to try not to do that. I'm going to try to communicate with you. I can give good counsel on how important communication is. Communication is sooo important.
Regardless of what you may tell yourself or me...we are so far past Just Friends. Its going to be a long time coming to just friends and cool. I mean really. I haven't met the rest of your life...I only know a portion of you. A small portion.
I only know a small portion of you but we are more than Just Friends. This I've done to myself and now I have to deal with it. I have to deal with the decisions that I've made and I don't know if I want to. I'm not satisfied and it dawned on me as I was walking around today that I'm a little tender. I'm not comfortable raising the number of persons I've actually had vaginal sex with. To think that you are privileged enough to be the second person to penetrate me ---the second person and YOU are NOT my boyfriend or my husband. Your nothing but more than a friend. I don't like it. I don't like to think that this could be described as a "shit Happens" event. I don't allow this Shit to Happen to me. I was intoxicated! but I wasn't raped. I wasn't forced. I wanted to be there and I wanted you as much as you could not go any longer without me. Yet, it was all wrong. Instant gratification in my book will now be labeled as Wrong. Not that it wasn't before. But now, I have a reason to say...It was all wrong. I don't know how I will look at you.
Just Friends
Just Friends...huh???
to be more will never end well
but we already are
More than friends or buds
More than casual or platonic
Come to think about it,
we're anything but Just Friends
the terminology doesn't imply enough and too much
Still, its as if I know nothing about you
nor you of me
There have been butterfly loops, knots and random heat
Since the moment you first twirled me around and kissed me
I've been referred to as a forbidden fruit
Not meant to… to be eaten or cooked
But, without realizing...your very presence tempers my inside
softens me up
The forbidden me or the forbidden you
is masked by passion
the reality is more unclear as the temperature rises
impulses are great, magnetic attraction unbearably strong
almost every aspect of this relationship is wrong
but guilt is no where to be found
I guess that is the sin in us...desiring the forbidden
growing into everything but
Just Friends
So I totally just spent $8 to get into a bar. What the hell is that??
How great that now I can drink my sorrows/frustrations away
Who knew?
I thought I handled stress well...Guess not!
In an empy stomach I put red and white wine
then waited a few hours as I continue my jouney home
a stop is made
Checking for Amy
She makes great drinks for me
add rasberry margarita
baileys and blueberry vodka to the injury
with no food or real attempt to supplement
my journey home continues
and
the discovery or realization made is
I have a drinking problem
I drink because I can and
I rather wallow over my drinking then deal with me
I don't feel abused...I wanted the experience I now have to add to my archive
but I know that,
had Tyrell taken me home
I would have made it there
My journey home continues
I wade the waves of movement
my head and the vehicle
the key is to be as still as possible
until the room stops moving
eventually the room will stop moving
Its gonna take a long time to love
a lot to hold on
a long long way to happy.
i made it home...
to be more will never end well
but we already are
More than friends or buds
More than casual or platonic
Come to think about it,
we're anything but Just Friends
the terminology doesn't imply enough and too much
Still, its as if I know nothing about you
nor you of me
There have been butterfly loops, knots and random heat
Since the moment you first twirled me around and kissed me
I've been referred to as a forbidden fruit
Not meant to… to be eaten or cooked
But, without realizing...your very presence tempers my inside
softens me up
The forbidden me or the forbidden you
is masked by passion
the reality is more unclear as the temperature rises
impulses are great, magnetic attraction unbearably strong
almost every aspect of this relationship is wrong
but guilt is no where to be found
I guess that is the sin in us...desiring the forbidden
growing into everything but
Just Friends
So I totally just spent $8 to get into a bar. What the hell is that??
How great that now I can drink my sorrows/frustrations away
Who knew?
I thought I handled stress well...Guess not!
In an empy stomach I put red and white wine
then waited a few hours as I continue my jouney home
a stop is made
Checking for Amy
She makes great drinks for me
add rasberry margarita
baileys and blueberry vodka to the injury
with no food or real attempt to supplement
my journey home continues
and
the discovery or realization made is
I have a drinking problem
I drink because I can and
I rather wallow over my drinking then deal with me
I don't feel abused...I wanted the experience I now have to add to my archive
but I know that,
had Tyrell taken me home
I would have made it there
My journey home continues
I wade the waves of movement
my head and the vehicle
the key is to be as still as possible
until the room stops moving
eventually the room will stop moving
Its gonna take a long time to love
a lot to hold on
a long long way to happy.
i made it home...
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really wanna mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
'Cause you know it's over, before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It's just you and your hand tonight
Midnight I'm drunk, I don't give a ***k
Wanna dance by myself guess you're out of luck
Don't touch, back up, I'm not the one
Buh-bye
Listen up it's just not happenin'
You can say what you want to your boyfriends
Just let me have my fun tonight..aiight
You're in the corner with your boys, you bet them five bucks
You'd get the girl that just walked in, but she thinks you suck
We didn't get all dressed up just for you to see
So quit spilling your drinks on me
You know who you are High'fivi, talking ****
But you are going home alone Aren't ya?
I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really wanna mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second I was fine before you walked into my life
'Cause you know it's over, before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It's just you and your hand tonight
You don't really wanna mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
'Cause you know it's over, before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It's just you and your hand tonight
Midnight I'm drunk, I don't give a ***k
Wanna dance by myself guess you're out of luck
Don't touch, back up, I'm not the one
Buh-bye
Listen up it's just not happenin'
You can say what you want to your boyfriends
Just let me have my fun tonight..aiight
You're in the corner with your boys, you bet them five bucks
You'd get the girl that just walked in, but she thinks you suck
We didn't get all dressed up just for you to see
So quit spilling your drinks on me
You know who you are High'fivi, talking ****
But you are going home alone Aren't ya?
I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really wanna mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second I was fine before you walked into my life
'Cause you know it's over, before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It's just you and your hand tonight
Pink hits home...
One night to you, lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now, just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocense, say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you, years ago, I guess I'll never know
What love means to me, but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling
Chorus:
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy (yeah)
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
'Cause it's gonna be a
long long way to happy
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy (happy)
Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self
Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self
You're angry, I know this
The world couldn't care less
You're lonely, I feel this And you wish you were the best
No teachers, or guidance
And you always walk alone
You're cryin, a night when
Nobody else is home
Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darlin
I promise you that it wont always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You're the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken 13 year old me
You're laughin, but you're hidin God I know that trick too well
You forget that I've been you
And now I'm just the shelf I promise I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don't try to grow up yet
Oh just give it sometime
The pain you feel is real
You're not asleep
But its a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Don't lose your passion or
The fighter thats inside of you
You're the girl I used to be
The pissed off, complicated 13 year old me
Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self
Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self
Until we meet again, Oh I wish you well I wish you well
Until we meet again Oh I wish you well
Until we meet again I wish you well
Until we meet again
My little 13 year old me
Go away, give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye, It'll make me wanna kiss you
I love you so, much more when you're not here
Watchin' all the bad shows and drinkin' all of my beer
I don't believe Adam and Eve spent every goddamn day together
If you gimme some room there will be room enough for two
Chorus:
Tonight, leave me alone, I'm lonely (alone I'm lonely)
I'm tired, leave me alone I'm lonely, alone I'm lonely tonight!
I don't wanna wake up with another
But I don't wanna always wake up with you either
No you can't hop into my shower
All I ask for is one ***king hour
You taste so sweet but I can't eat the same thing every day
Cuttin off the phone, leave me the ***k alone, and
tomorrow I'll be begging you to come home
Chorus
Go away, come back...go away, come back
Why can't I just have it both ways
Go away, come back...go away, come back
I wish you knew the difference
Go away come back.... Go away,
give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye, it'll make me wanna kiss you
Go away, give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye, it'll make me want to kiss you
Go away, give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye, it'll make me want to kiss you
Just a bitter little pill now, just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocense, say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you, years ago, I guess I'll never know
What love means to me, but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling
Chorus:
It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy (yeah)
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
'Cause it's gonna be a
long long way to happy
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy (happy)
Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self
Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self
You're angry, I know this
The world couldn't care less
You're lonely, I feel this And you wish you were the best
No teachers, or guidance
And you always walk alone
You're cryin, a night when
Nobody else is home
Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darlin
I promise you that it wont always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You're the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken 13 year old me
You're laughin, but you're hidin God I know that trick too well
You forget that I've been you
And now I'm just the shelf I promise I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don't try to grow up yet
Oh just give it sometime
The pain you feel is real
You're not asleep
But its a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Don't lose your passion or
The fighter thats inside of you
You're the girl I used to be
The pissed off, complicated 13 year old me
Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self
Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self
Until we meet again, Oh I wish you well I wish you well
Until we meet again Oh I wish you well
Until we meet again I wish you well
Until we meet again
My little 13 year old me
Go away, give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye, It'll make me wanna kiss you
I love you so, much more when you're not here
Watchin' all the bad shows and drinkin' all of my beer
I don't believe Adam and Eve spent every goddamn day together
If you gimme some room there will be room enough for two
Chorus:
Tonight, leave me alone, I'm lonely (alone I'm lonely)
I'm tired, leave me alone I'm lonely, alone I'm lonely tonight!
I don't wanna wake up with another
But I don't wanna always wake up with you either
No you can't hop into my shower
All I ask for is one ***king hour
You taste so sweet but I can't eat the same thing every day
Cuttin off the phone, leave me the ***k alone, and
tomorrow I'll be begging you to come home
Chorus
Go away, come back...go away, come back
Why can't I just have it both ways
Go away, come back...go away, come back
I wish you knew the difference
Go away come back.... Go away,
give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye, it'll make me wanna kiss you
Go away, give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye, it'll make me want to kiss you
Go away, give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye, it'll make me want to kiss you
Monday, May 01, 2006
Too Young
Too Young
Apparently my youth does not allow me to loose a love
Or even to lack
I dare not have experienced hardships that weigh me down
Certainly not!
Far too young am I
Isn’t that what you said?
You see it in my eyes-
My innocence is telling
Many secrets I never knew-o no!
But my eyes and my face, the language my body speaks
I thought it a retreat
But to my dismay
Different things it speaks
Too young, naïve
Apparently that’s me
No detrimental codependence acquired here
For I haven’t had time
Or lived a life enough
Said some
I’m just too young
My age is a lie
Says my little voice inside
That comes from my mouth
I’ve barely passed puberty
So you should not even look my way except to scold me
For acting soo grown
Where are you going? And why are you dressed like that?
Isn’t it passed time for you to be in bed?
I smile as usual and am accused of being a flirt
And for all it’s worth
This little girl whom is actually old
Can’t seem to discovery the route out of your head
And it bothers me-there is no flattery
When you think I’m eight but would love to take me on a date
To get me alone for a while cause I walk with such style
You just can’t stop thinking about me
Problem is my sister is thirteen
And now she has breasts
Both she and I will be put to the test
Faced with men loving our smile and first captured by our youth
What is she suppose to do
Born with a dimple accenting the left side of her face
Too many times will she be chased
By the men opposite your persuasion that I am too young
And it is them that will cause her to fall
From their sweet talk of her beauty
Pedophiles tainting her self esteem
Causing her to believe she is merely a sexual being
Innocence stolen too soon
Her youth will also shine through
Just as I am a picture so precious and young
So she will be
Bearing the load of life, love, loss and hardship
So before you pass judgment on me
Stop to think of the possibility
That maybe I am not what I seem
Ask questions rather than assuming
Thank God for His many blessings
Such as me, my sister and the many young ladies
That appear to be too young for their reality
And I will work on appropriately representing the many years
God has blessed me to see
Thank you for complimenting my youth
Now it is time for me to leave.
And O, I am too young…for you!
TJ~2004
Apparently my youth does not allow me to loose a love
Or even to lack
I dare not have experienced hardships that weigh me down
Certainly not!
Far too young am I
Isn’t that what you said?
You see it in my eyes-
My innocence is telling
Many secrets I never knew-o no!
But my eyes and my face, the language my body speaks
I thought it a retreat
But to my dismay
Different things it speaks
Too young, naïve
Apparently that’s me
No detrimental codependence acquired here
For I haven’t had time
Or lived a life enough
Said some
I’m just too young
My age is a lie
Says my little voice inside
That comes from my mouth
I’ve barely passed puberty
So you should not even look my way except to scold me
For acting soo grown
Where are you going? And why are you dressed like that?
Isn’t it passed time for you to be in bed?
I smile as usual and am accused of being a flirt
And for all it’s worth
This little girl whom is actually old
Can’t seem to discovery the route out of your head
And it bothers me-there is no flattery
When you think I’m eight but would love to take me on a date
To get me alone for a while cause I walk with such style
You just can’t stop thinking about me
Problem is my sister is thirteen
And now she has breasts
Both she and I will be put to the test
Faced with men loving our smile and first captured by our youth
What is she suppose to do
Born with a dimple accenting the left side of her face
Too many times will she be chased
By the men opposite your persuasion that I am too young
And it is them that will cause her to fall
From their sweet talk of her beauty
Pedophiles tainting her self esteem
Causing her to believe she is merely a sexual being
Innocence stolen too soon
Her youth will also shine through
Just as I am a picture so precious and young
So she will be
Bearing the load of life, love, loss and hardship
So before you pass judgment on me
Stop to think of the possibility
That maybe I am not what I seem
Ask questions rather than assuming
Thank God for His many blessings
Such as me, my sister and the many young ladies
That appear to be too young for their reality
And I will work on appropriately representing the many years
God has blessed me to see
Thank you for complimenting my youth
Now it is time for me to leave.
And O, I am too young…for you!
TJ~2004
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