Intoxicated

I'm having a bit of difficulty dealing with the experience that I have just had. I don't seem to know how to process it as a good or bad thing. And, while I suppose I have received what I wanted ( to an extent) I am not happy about what has taken place altogether.
I keep thinking, if that where Tyrell I would have been brought home, put into the bed and that would have been all she wrote. Instead I have sex with you. Bad sex at that. I suppose it wasn't that horrible it just wasn't what I expected. I mean, I was intoxicated. I was so far from being sober that it doesn't make any sense.
That really changes, to an extent, what I think about you. I'm wondering if you realized that I wasn't completely there. I'm wondering how you will react if and when I tell you that I would have objected if I were sober. I would have objected if I were sober. I would not have allowed things to go as far as they did. I might have been more verbal.
Its funny how just hours before you are professing that you would never do this or do that and then...the opportunity arises and you take it. Must I always be the bigger person??? There is so much at stake for you. Nothing for me but my heart, my well being, nothing much at all that I can't handle. But you, there is your family. Your family and me. Have you thought how you might loose me now? I have a tendency to pull away. I don't like to talk about sex when it comes to awkward situations like this...I have a tendency to shut down but I am going to try not to do that. I'm going to try to communicate with you. I can give good counsel on how important communication is. Communication is sooo important.
Regardless of what you may tell yourself or me...we are so far past Just Friends. Its going to be a long time coming to just friends and cool. I mean really. I haven't met the rest of your life...I only know a portion of you. A small portion.
I only know a small portion of you but we are more than Just Friends. This I've done to myself and now I have to deal with it. I have to deal with the decisions that I've made and I don't know if I want to. I'm not satisfied and it dawned on me as I was walking around today that I'm a little tender. I'm not comfortable raising the number of persons I've actually had vaginal sex with. To think that you are privileged enough to be the second person to penetrate me ---the second person and YOU are NOT my boyfriend or my husband. Your nothing but more than a friend. I don't like it. I don't like to think that this could be described as a "shit Happens" event. I don't allow this Shit to Happen to me. I was intoxicated! but I wasn't raped. I wasn't forced. I wanted to be there and I wanted you as much as you could not go any longer without me. Yet, it was all wrong. Instant gratification in my book will now be labeled as Wrong. Not that it wasn't before. But now, I have a reason to say...It was all wrong. I don't know how I will look at you.